I think I'm just dying of old age!?

Really though to be on a serious note guys, you probably am noticing that my activity on here is sporadic lately... And it's not your imagination by any means...

Ugh, let's just say this. I am extremely self-aware and I also have witnessed over and over with how my older relatives have died, and I see in me the same patterns with how things were with them as well in their later days.

And my own patterns of how things are going now are directly related to their patterns from what I remember... I am having very good days where things are all "together" and other days where I just am not functioning.

I'm noticing too that almost the slightest things begin to "cut me" and many of you are not going to be happy hearing me say this, but I am also cognizant to the fact that my body has been slowly rejecting me eating a lot of meat... Especially the fat more so, and I am not purposely trying to cut back but honestly I remember exactly from several family members the stages they went through when they decided to cut meat out of the diet.

There is the first stage once they get in their 50's or 60's where they first decide to cut meat before anything else.

But as they really slow down, they begin sleeping more and also cutting out even more meat.

I am not trying to deliberately cut meat out but my appetite for it has unfortunately been declining.

The thing that you can debate for better or worse, but largely it's a testament to not racially mixing but disease (for better or worse) does not run on my family all that much.

I have only one relative which died from cancer, and some have died from escalating mental decline that attacked the rest of the body, but it is in our family history to just die from basically natural cause.

The one thing I've learned in this though for sure is that the moment your hair greys, no matter what your age is, this is surely the #1 sign of either andropause or menopause beyond anything else, maybe even more so than the skin, because I never felt more "decline" cumulatively in my life out of all noticeable changes outside of that, particularly since the last 2 years...

It's not when you see occasional grey hairs but when you actively start seeing patches of hair greying an this would also basically be the same warning for any Man who is balding respectively.

I had some grey hairs before, but in terms of actual greying, it really seems to coincide with your "wintering" towards the end.

Once your hair starts greying or you start balding, it's the beginning of the end, trust me.

In any case I am not likely to just pass about weeks from now as such, but if I hope anything remains true that maybe I might project my own death before 2030 latest.

In any case I want to apologize I am becoming slow and less reliable on responses and entries on here i will answer or do things as I can but I am definitely slowing down. I feel it physically and mentally and I also have been having very strange thoughts including reminiscing thoughts and dreams lately, and I really just think soon its my time to go.

It has to be.

In addition, I am also finding it more difficult to adjust to the modern changes in this world.

But it seems to basically be a crime at this point to have any kind of personality or passion and that basically people will cringe at you and hate you or think you are weird.

Even if you have a penchant for nice things or enjoying things or high standards you will also be despised for that even if you are right and even if you have good tastes.

You know you young ones might not believe this, but I did live in a time where people used to enjoy the notion of having a personality or being different, or having a zest for something, but it seems like if you do that now you are universally hated for it.

Honestly I really wonder if this is how it goes,.that I will just die of the body naturally breaking down, when honestly I will confess that for many years I was hoping a silent disease would just take me out.

The one thing I don't like a lot right now though is that you end up in this stage of life you end up feeling very vulnerable.

The other thing too is that I remember those other people I saw who passed and how they always had random bruises and complained about feeling dizzy or having issues balancing, and this seems like the way it is when you are basically approaching your end.

Having significant difficulties finding the right words that I used to be familiar with in my vocabulary, and have to resort to using silly words to even remotely describe what I'm talking about to others.

I am a hyper vigilant person in general and while I try to be aware of my surroundings and still am to a degree it is becoming very consuming. As in, it burns up my entire energy.

Life is getting really ugly this year for the world, my god you are all going to be in such horror for how real and bad things will get but I am amazed how much they can distract people from it.

I hate to burn or disappoint any of my followers here.

But one thing that actually makes me really bitter about this world, is that I have often noticed that everyone always seemed to have the patience of a saint for older people in their decline, and for some reason my daily life has never received that treatment, only suspicion and skepticism, and that proves to me all the more how these NPCs operate.

And what frightens me at least for the duration of living here, is that I am the only person I know who has received treatment in general by the public like this.

But like I've told you, I've found that even obese people with down syndrome in a wheelchair or other disabled or mentally retarded people have received FAR, FAR better treatment in life or even with their disability than I ever have, pretty much red carpet treatment compared to my life experience here in America.

It's either because I'm NOT an NPC, or the Anti-German sentiment that still exists is as high as ever, people still hate Germans to this day a lot in America.

I'm just so tired of this.

I'll publish new posts when I feel I can do it, but sadly this is likely the future with this blog, you may see days of lots of activity and then suddenly its dead.

I will keep it going until or unless it's absolutely impossible to maintain either due to my health or on-going geo-political nonsense.